Giant Shrimp and Things My Mother Said

First off, I'd like to show you the size of the shrimp which were served to me by my parents on Wednesday night:

Huge, non? They were tasty.

Moving on. We had brilliant conversation that night, about faith, death, gene modification and similar subjects. What made it so interesting, is that my Dad is a Doctor (of physics, I should say...), so he of course, has this fantastic scientific way of seeing everything, which is precisely what frustrates me about how things are viewed today. There is an explanation for everything. Why can't some things be unexplained? What is with the need to find a reason? I just don't understand it. He said that the dream of every scientist is to find something they can't explain via science. Hmmm. Of course, this is the extremely short version of the conversation, as right now I have a lot on my mind (moving etc), so can't recall it all, but, it is something that is worth remembering, and looking into in the future. If, that is, I remember, which, in all fairness, I probably won't.

So, then we were talking about my brother and I as children. I was a terrible, terrible child. I had problems with my skull and spine when born (not bad problems - they just needed a little 'click' in the right place, and Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt - I was fit as a fiddle), and as a result of this, cried constantly. I am, in ways I won't divulge, lucky to be alive today. Aware of the nightmare I had put my dear parents through, I asked my Mum, "If, when I was still the Devil child, you were given the option of going back in time, not being unaware of what a perfect (a little embellishment never hurt anyone), person I'd turn out to be; would you still have had me?"

I expected some serious thought, and shortly after this serious thought, a serious 'yes'. But what did I get?

A very serious, "No."

What the ..... My own Mother willingly admits that given half a chance she'd not have me? Mind you, I very nearly ended up in an orphanage...now that could have been fun. But seriously, me? Look at me!

Alright. There's me, and my bro; Iain. Note my drunken expression. Is my vacant stare as a result of hard liquor, mental abuse, the pain of my skull and spine fusing together as I sat there, or, quite simply, the amused, unconcerned, oblivious sort look that a...........that someone that age has? Who knows, and who cares, but I am fond of this picture. Mostly due to our clothes. Check out those shirts...awesome.

Then, I got older:


This is me in Scotland, in a boat, in my mac. Don't I look windswept? Would you put me up for adoption?

I went to school next:


This is me at my convent school, Mount Carmel. Nice brown and yellow uniform isn't it? Lovely. Shortly after this picture was taken, I decided to cut my own hair. I ended up with an extremely slanted fringe. Sort of bald on one side, and normal length on the other. My Mum was furious, and sent me to school, despite me pleading with her not to. I walked into the classroom, where my least favourite nun was teaching us. Everyone turned and stared, and I walked slowly up to the desk. Sister Whateverhernamewas, looked at me, and said, "Did you do that, or was it a hairdresser?"

This was the first time in my life (that I can remember), of time slowing down as you think, and seriously considering the option of lying. I weighed out the likely outcome of each answer, but in the end, I replied, "Me." It was awful. Right then and there, I knew that lying was far better than the truth, and so I embarked on a fruitful, adventurous and exciting career of lying, which I'll tell you all about if you ask. So, there you have it. If I lied to you, I apologise. My ways are mended, but you can blame the nun.

So! Now look at this picture of my Mum as a wee lass:

I love this picture of my Mum. How cute does she look? Look at her ears!! Ha ha ha! She's grown into them now however, but is still paranoid about them. God knows why, they're totally normal for an adult. I just think she was born with woman ears, as opposed to baby ears. Some people are just born with a glitch, or imperfection, that straightens out in later life. Whether they be big ears, or, an ability to make your parents want to disown you, they'll come around in the end. If you're lucky. Come to think of it, I wonder what my parents would do now.